Aster
by OmniaVanitas
Summary: What mattered the most was remembered the least. Imagine what would it be like if you lost four years of memory. AU. Yaoi. SoRoku.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N:** Yeah, I know I'm not in my right mind. While I should be indeed studying for my important exam, I just have to start a new story…heheh. Anyways.

The title _Aster_ is what Xion's name in Japanese means. And according to Japanese floriography, the flower means "I won't forget you" or "remembrance". You'll see why I picked this title for this story XD. (I just love the fact how many meanings Xion's name conveys. But the story itself won't have anything to do with Xion though.)

As usual, the pairing of this story is my favourite SoRoku, and will have a little mention of VanVen as well. The story world sets in Japan as I adopt Japanese school systems and cultures in this story (can't help, I just love Japanese culture XD). And as usual again, sorry for any language mistakes, I'm not all familiar with those medical terms in English.

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><p><strong>Aster<strong>

**01  
><strong>

_==========================  
>Aster tataricus<em>: I won't forget you.  
>==========================<p>

I opened my eyes. The first thing I saw was the white plain ceiling, some ceiling that was unfamiliar to me.

Wait, what is _this_ place?

I tilted my head to the side and saw the unfamiliar windows…and the white curtains. Everything in this room seemed to be white. Wait…so is this our high school nurse's office? But wait again, it didn't seem to match the nurse's office in my memory.

Oww, talking about memory, why does my head hurt like a bitch?

I tried to sit myself up, but just one single movement caused a dull pain shoot all my nerves in my head. It was like my head's gonna explode or what. Geez, I've never experienced such killer headache in my whole life. So okay, this must be our nurse's office then. Wait, no, it could be a hospital room? Oh right, now think about it, it _did_ look like a hospital room. Then how the hell I ended up here? And just what the hell happened to my head?

To be precise, it's not some headache you feel when you catch a cold or flu. It's more like I had hit my head on a brick wall or something, yeah, that kind of dull pain from the skull. So, did I hit my head then?

I got into a hospital because I hit my head. Sounds like some possibility.

I finally struggled into a sitting position. Somehow my whole body was kinda aching, but nothing serious compared to my headache though. I glanced around the room again, right, I'm now very positive that this must be a hospital room. But how did I end up here? Why can't I recall anything in terms of why I'm here…

Wait, you aren't telling me…that I lost my memories?

Wait wait wait! Now let's start from the basics. What is my name?

Good, that I do remember. My name is Sora. I'm just an ordinary insignificant normal 17-year-old high school student. We just had our spring break ended and I should be in class right now. Or I should be in my part-time work at Uncle Cid's store. Hospital would probably be the last place I should be in.

Okay, next, what's the last thing I do remember?

Mmmm…hmmm…the last thing…Sakura. Yes that's right, Sakura blossom! It's spring now, the season with beautiful cheery blossom everywhere. And what else? Mmmm…oh! Roxas! Right, right, he agreed to go have Ramen with me after school and then I'll head to Cid's to work. Strange. What happened then? Why my memory just stopped here and I can't recall anything after then?

As I was trying to think hard, I started to feel a little nauseous, it's not like the want-to-vomit-badly type of nauseous, but still, nauseous. Something must be not right with me. So, what am I supposed to do in the situation like this? Call the nurse or doctor? Yeah, I remember from watching TV, they should have some devices in the room that you can call the nurse station. I looked around and found a little red button and a speaker near the headboard of my hospital bed. Oh yeah, so I just have to press the button and some hot and pretty nurse Oneechan would come to check on me!

"Hai, Sora-kun, is there something you need?"

A female voice could be heard from the speaker, wait, it sounded maybe a little bit too old…

"Y-yes, I'm kinda…not feeling too well." I found my voice cracked a bit, throat a little bit dry and sour.

"Just hold on a second, Sora-kun, I'll be right there!"

A few moments later, this short and round lady, probably in her fifties, appeared in my room. Oh noooo, I don't want some Obasan, where's my pretty Oneechan? Errr, fine, beautiful and hot nurses only exist in mangas and animes, never in real life. I got it, I got it.

Well, what's crystal clear by now, is that this place is indeed a hospital. I guess I just have to ask the nurse about what happened to me.

"Thanks goodness, you finally woke up, Sora-kun."

"Well, yeah, heheh." I grinned kinda nervously (and stupidly), not knowing where to start.

"How do you feel? Are you feeling any headache?"

"Y-yeah, it hurts quite bad, I guess." I scratched the back of my head, to be honest, the headache was not that bothering me, it's the fact I couldn't recall anything of what happened scared me. "Err, do you know what happened to me? Why am I here?" I asked, uneasily.

"Eh? So you don't remember why you are here?"

She looked surprised by my question. The serious and shocked look on her face just made me feel even more nervous. Err, Obasan, I'd appreciate your concerns, but don't you think it's a bit over-exaggerated? I just couldn't recall why I was here, I still remember my name, age, past and everything else, it couldn't be _that_ bad…or could it? Gee, now you're really making me nervous.

"Please wait for a while Sora-kun. I'm now going to call the doctor for you."

Watching her leave in a hurry, I have many question marks popping up above my head.

What…the hell happened to me?

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><p>"Sora-kun, please keep calm while listen to what I'm going to say about your condition, will you?"<p>

I couldn't help but gulp, and then nodded. The unbelievably gorgeous blonde female doctor in front of me had this most angelic smile that I've ever seen in my life on her face, but at the same time, I felt like she was going to read a death sentence to me or something close. Apparently, this blonde beauty in white coat is my doctor, Namine. She just finished a bunch of examinations on me, like waving a pen flashlight into my eyes that kind of things you see on TV, something she called "neurologic tests" or so.

"According to the results of the examination, it is a very mild concussion you have got from the accident. However, it seems that the concussion also caused a mild amnesia. You are not able to recall part of your memories. To be precise, you have lost the memories of the past four years of your life."

Wait, what? So I was in an accident? A concussion? Amnesia? And four years of memories? Are you kidding me? Is it even possible for humans to lose partial memory like that?

I probably had my mouth slacking like an idiot. The blonde doctor looked at me with a concerned look on her pretty face.

"Can you comprehend what I just said?"

"Uh, okay, so, I lost part of my memories, but not all, is that what you mean?"

"Yes, that's right. According to your birth data and your own statements, you've lost four years of memories."

So that means…? In other words…

"In other words, you are twenty-one right now, not seventeen."

I almost choked on my own spit.

You gotta be fucking kidding with me!

"It is true that your case is a very rare one, Sora-kun. People's memories are indeed the most mysterious thing and we still know very little about how it works. But you don't have to worry too much though. The previous clinical reports have showed that your case of amnesia is often temporary and should not last life long, which means the probability that you regain the lost memories some day in future is quite high."

"Really?"

"Memories are like chains. When you remember one thing, that leads to remembering another and then another. Memories are connected. Many pieces are linked together like they're in a chain. Strictly speaking, it is not correct when I say you 'lost' your memories. Your memories are not gone, they are still there in your brain. It's just the links to them are missing. It's more like the lost memories are the links taken apart from the chain. But giving it time and right stimulations, one day, those missing links could be re-wired back to the chain of memories, and you should be able to recall those memories again."

To be honest, I didn't get all this 'chain of memories' thing the pretty blonde doctor was bubbling about, but somehow it did sound making a lot of senses.

"O-okay...but I still didn't get it. Why I only lost four years of memory? Like not five years or three years, but four years?"

"Judging from the information we have at hand, the concussion is the major cause of your amnesia. Thanks goodness that hit on your head did not cause internal haemorrhage or other traumatic brain injuries. Otherwise the outcome could be quite bad."

Yeah, hemorr-whatever, gee, do all doctors talk like that? I felt dizzy.

"On the other hand, certain psychological factors could also be the cause of temporary amnesia. But in your case, we lack of enough information to diagnose whether or not there is any involvement of psychological factors."

Huh? Psychological factors? What the heck does that mean?

"Sora-kun, you don't have to worry about this too much. Your concussion is very mild and it's nothing to be too concerned with."

She gave me a very gentle and assuring smile, wow, I could feel my cheeks seem to get a bit warm. But again, I was still nervous. How can I not be concerned when you told me I forgot about four years of my life?

"So...you can't fix my memory right away? Is there any way to get me recover faster?"

"I'm sorry. Reconnecting the chains of memories might take some time. I can't really help with that part."

"O...kay."

Well, it did sound serious, with all this memory lost stuffs. But I don't know. It kinda felt unreal to me. I mean, they told me I should be 21 instead 17, but from all what I can remember, I'm just a 17-year old boy. I have no single idea how a 21-year old Sora should be. Right, I have no freaking idea about those four years that they told me I have lost. So to be honest, I didn't really feel much disappointed when Dr. Namine said she couldn't help. It's just…kinda…sorta, feel weird.

"Sora-kun, don't lose hope." Well, I didn't, not really. "Even though I cannot help you with that part, but your family and friends can. Many previous reports show that spending more time with family and friends can help to facilitate the memory recovery."

"R-really?"

"Uhn. Actually you can leave hospital and go home today. You didn't have any serious injury. It is okay for you to go home now."

Really? I'm okay? Is it really okay for me to go home now?  
>Wait, but where should I go? I mean, if what she said is true, I am 21 instead of 17 now, where does this 21-year-old-me live then? Do I still live by myself in that cheap tiny apartment? If not, where should I go? Home? <em>That<em> home? No kidding. Ever since my old man kicked me out from _that_ house, I haven't gone back there even once.

So where the heck could I go?

"We have just contacted your friend who should be here soon to pick you up."

W-what? My friend? Which friend you mean? Riku? Kairi? They're coming to get me?

I knew I must look like a complete idiot, all confused and lost in too much shocking information they bombarded on me. Dr. Namine gave me another assuring smile. She looked at her wrist watch and said in soft voice, "Don't worry. He should be here soon."

_He_?

"Errr, Doctor, the friend of mine you talking about, do you know who…?"

"He is the one with you when you encountered the accident last night. Don't worry, your friend only got a couple scratches from the accident. He stayed here with you all night last night, but left this morning since he has classes at college that he has to go, but he told us to inform him as soon as you woke up."

Last night? "Wait, you mean it's yesterday that I had an accident?"

"That is right. You were sent to ER last night. We didn't find any internal haemorrhage at then, but since you hadn't woken up all night, we decided to have you remain here under observation just in case."

"I see…" Seriously, what the heck is that hemorr-whatever thing is?

Accident. So I had an accident. A car accident? Then should I say I'm lucky that a mild concussion was all I got but nothing else serious happened to me? It could be much worse if it was a car accident, right? And a friend who was with me when the accident happened…who could that be? If talking about best friends, the first person I could think of is Riku, we are best buddies since childhood. Even now it is four years in future (to me), the chance he is still my best buddy should be pretty high, shouldn't it?

And the second person I could think of is Kairi. But the doctor said it was a _he_. So it wouldn't be her. Well, I don't know, me and Riku and Kairi were really close, I mean, four years ago. I wonder how my two best friends look like now. Are they still the same? Are we still best friends?

Seriously, if talking about my friends, it could be many people besides Riku and Kairi, like, it could be Leon, or Cloud, or even Donald and Goofy. All possible. So, who would that person be that is on his way here to pick me up?

I let out a frustrated sigh. Frankly, there is one person I wish to come here and pick me up, but he's my _family_, not a friend. It is not possible he's the one coming since the doctor made it clear it's one of my friends.

I didn't even know if he knew that I was at the hospital right now. Would anyone contact him about my accident? After all, I am his brother, well, step-brother to be precise.

Would anyone contact Roxas about what happened to me?

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><p><strong>AN:** So, how do you like it so far? Want to guess who is the 'friend' coming to pick up Sora? I guess it's quite obvious isn't it? ;p

Review please?

**edits:** To avoid any confusion, here's a little extra explanation. It's not that Sora was in coma for four years. He had an accident 'yesterday' and got his head hit, then he lost the memory of the past four years of his life before the accident. Let's say, he was the 21-year-old Sora until 'yesterday' but then psychologically he 'returned' to his 17-year-old old-self because he couldn't remember the in between four years anymore. Does that make any sense?


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: **…Is this story that boring?

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><p><strong>Aster<strong>

**02**

While I was still thinking about Roxas, another younger nurse entered the room and whispered something to Dr. Namine. Namine smiled at me again and spoke in her soft voice, "Looks like your friend has arrived, Sora-kun. Please wait here while I go talk to him about your condition, will you?"

Then she left me with the Obasan nurse. Obasan kept asking me questions like how I feel, do I still feel the pain? Do I feel to vomit? Yada yada yada. And she also tried to cheer me up by saying things like I'm a lucky guy that I didn't get hurt badly from the accident and my memory should return to me in no time. Well, thanks for the cheering up but since she's not a doctor, I'm not sure if her words sounded very reassuring.

I finally felt some sense of reality when the nurse pulled the white curtain open and let the sunlight brighten the white room. But I was stunned at the same time. The outside, it was as white as this room! I mean, everything outside is covered with pure white snow.

Holy cow! It's winter, not spring! So the doctor didn't lie to me. It is indeed four years after! Yeah, Sora you dumbass why would a doctor lie to you anyway?

Snow…I can't help but think about Roxas again. Roxas likes snow.

Now I started to feel somehow fidgety. Did he know? Did anyone tell him about my accident? I was hospitalized because of some accident, why he didn't come to check on me? Usually, I mean usually, they should call the family first if someone got hospitalized by an accident right? Well, not like my family would really care about me. My old man and stepmother probably wouldn't give a shit. But Roxas is different. He's the only one in that family who still cares about me. My younger "brother" Roxas…

Wait a sec. It's now four years after…which means…whether or not the four-year-after Roxas still cares about me is a big question!

Could that be he doesn't care about me anymore? Wait wait, no, no, it can't be! But what if everything has changed in these four years that I can't remember? I started panicking, really panicking. Insecurity overwhelmed me.

What if I had done something stupid already…something that made Roxas leave me behind forever?

Shit, now my head started aching again. I could hear the footsteps coming close to my room. That must be the "friend" of mine they were talking about. Who could that person be? Who could he be?

Actually I didn't care anymore whoever it would be. As long as they can tell me about what was like at present, what the 21-year-old Sora was like, what happened during the past four years, and how Roxas was right now. Anybody? Any one? Just tell me what the hell was going on.

The door was opened. And the person standing next to Dr. Namine was…  
>Was…<p>

"…Sora? You okay?"

Was I dreaming or did my eyes play some trick on me? Can I trust what I just saw?

I was ultimately confused, god-damn-freaking confused. I didn't feel this much confusion even when Dr. Namine announced the bad new that I lost four years of my memory.

"Roxas? Is it, really…you?"

The blond young man standing at the door was Roxas. I knew he was Roxas. Although he looked older and the vibe around him somehow was different, but that was Roxas for sure. That was the four-year-after Roxas.

Oh my fucking god.

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><p>"In short, Sora-kun's mentality and memory right now stays at his seventeen-year-old age. Does that all make sense to you, Roxas-kun?"<p>

"Yes. It is very clear."

"He needs friends like you to help him to understand the situation at present and also help him to regain the lost memory. I was a little worried at first, but since you told me you guys grew up together, then you must know the 17-year-old Sora-kun very well. If it is you, Roxas-kun, I'm sure you can be a great help to Sora-kun."

"I think so too. Thank you Doctor."

"Now I have to leave. You guys can decide whether to leave hospital today or not. If you leave today, I recommend Sora-kun to rest at home for a few more days."

"Thank you."

I stared at the two talking blondes in front of me with a hazy mind. The doctor just finished explaining everything. To me, it still didn't feel real. I mean, look at this blond, Is he really Roxas? Is any of this for real?

The doctor and the nurse exited the room after excusing themselves, leaving me and Roxas alone in the room. I could feel my heartbeat start raising up, yup, my palms started sweating too.

"Sora?"

"Huh? Oh, y-yes." Why did I stutter like an idiot?

"You don't have to be nervous. It's me, Roxas, do you still remember me?"

"Y-yeah, sort of."

Sort of? I mean, of course I know it's you Roxas. How can I forget about you? But, but, this is too different! Why you become so different all of sudden! Wait, no, not "all of sudden", it's been four years already. Damn, to me, this me, it's "all of sudden" okay?

Why you become so beautiful all of sudden?

Damnit, stupid me, "beautiful" is not an appropriate word to describe guys! Let alone to describe your own brother. Then, pretty? Gorgeous? Geez, that sounds even more wrong. Excuse my poor vocab, those are the only words I can think of from my head (the head that has been hit).

It's just, he looked even more…attractive now. Right, attractive. I know my choice of words is wrong but I don't care. He was indeed beautiful, I don't mean the feminine type of beauty, no, no, he was not pussy or anything close to that. He was just…beautiful. His golden halo-like hair and flawless pale skin were still the same, but this vibe around him felt more mature and calm now. The line of his face has grown more defined like a young man than a boy. But that made him look even more…pretty and attractive than before.

Damn, what am I thinking! God damnit. Why god hates me so much that he only made me lost four years of memory, why not five years six years! Why god still let me remember that I…I have those feelings for Roxas, you know, _those_ feelings…

Stop Sora, you shouldn't think that way about your brother!

I shook my head hard in order to stop myself from thinking more of those forbidden thoughts. Then I heard Roxas' worried voice.

"Sora, are you okay? Does your head still hurt?"

His voice sounded a little deeper, but still quite the same from what I can remember. And the worries and concerns in that voice, it made me feel warm.

"My head? Uhmm, don't worry, I'm okay…I think."

"You sure?" He asked doubtfully, "Do you want to go home today? Or, do you want to stay in hospital for another day just in case?"

"I'm okay, really. Let's go home today. I don't want to stay here."

It's not gonna help me much anyway if I kept staying in the hospital. I want to know who I am now. If we go back to where I live now, then I can learn more about this 21-year-old me. And what's more important, I want to know how the relationship between Roxas and me has turned out to be now. I mean, if he came to pick me up, that means we are still quite close, means he hasn't cut his tie to me…yet. Thanks goodness. No, thanks to the 18, 19, 20, 21-year-old me! Thanks to all those Soras who didn't do any stupid things to break our ties. Stupid things like "confession".

I'm so glad I still have Roxas by my side, even only as brothers. We can't be anything more than brothers. I know it all along. So as long as he's still here, I'm happy enough.

But, is it really true nothing has changed during the past four years?

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><p>Review please? Please?<p> 


	3. Chapter 3

**Aster**

**03**

I couldn't help but have this curious feeling. Like…wasn't it a bit strange that Roxas referred himself as my "friend" instead of my "brother" to the doctor? Honestly, did I really want nothing changed or…Argh, stop there, stupid me, I have more important things to worry about right now!

_But this was __**important **__to me…_

I tried to ignore that small voice speaking deep in my heart.

"…Sora? Did you hear me?"

"Huh? Uh?" Roxas' rather worried voice broke my train of thoughts. I knew I must be looking up at him like an idiot again.

"I was asking…shall we go check out now?"

"Sure." I nodded my head quickly. "Sure sure!" But then something hit me.

"Wait, I've got a question first."

"?"

"Err…where do I live now? I mean…Do I still live in that crappy apartment? Y'know, I mean the one the 17-year-old me was living."

"No, you moved into a new apartment at Traverse in your first year of college."

Wait what? Two things in Roxas' answer surprised me.

"College? I'm in college? I've graduated from high school?"

Yeah, of course, smart question Sora. Who would be still in high school at their 21? But I have graduated from high school and attending college? Really? Ahem, I don't want to make it sound like I'm a moron or something close…but going to college, wow, that was a bit surprising coz it wasn't my plan to go to college. I mean, this 17-year-old me was planning to find a job right after graduating from high school. Hell, I don't have the money for college tuitions and all. My old man cut off his financial support for me after he kicked me out of their house. I was relying on the little money my elder brother sending me monthly and my own part-time job to live my life. Plus my grade wasn't that good either. And…

"And Traverse? Wow, seriously? The rent there isn't cheap! There's no way I can afford living there and paying the tuition!"

Roxas just smiled at me as if he was amused. **He. Smiled!** Damnit my heart almost stopped at the moment I saw his lips curled up into a beautiful smile. Breathe Sora breathe!

In my memory (which was now stopped at age 17), Roxas wasn't the type who liked to smile or laugh often. In fact I rarely saw him smile even in front of his family (which included me). Let alone a genuine, amused, seemingly-happy smile. That was something new and…

He just looked so damn cute when he smiled.

"Nothing is impossible Sora." He smiled gently at me. "You won the national championship in the High School Keyblade Struggle Tournament. Because of that, Radiant Garden University granted you a full Student Athlete Scholarship. Money was no longer an issue."

National champion? Who? Me? Seriously? I was the champion? Yahooooooo~~~~!

I'm not going to brag about myself but I'm pretty proud to say I am a Keyblade genius (okay I should also give some credit to my elder brother who "kinda" trained me to become a Keyblade-wielder). Even though I didn't have a lot time for training after school coz I had to work at Uncle Cid's store to pay for my rent, I am very confident in my skills. I'm not lying, it's true! I was born to wield a Keyblade! I could easily defeat all my Senpai (1) in the school club. But winning a national championship? National? I wasn't dreaming was I?

"You aren't kidding me right Roxas? No kidding right? When did I win the championship?" I was too excited that I didn't even realize I grabbed Roxas shoulders with both of my hands.

"You won twice, in both your junior and senior year."

OMG, my junior year? It's this year! My original plan was to first win a spot in the school team to enter the national tournament this year to get some experience and then win some place in the individual match next year. Plus they wouldn't normally allow a junior to represent the school in the individual match no matter how skilled I was. Wow. Wow. So that musclehead Terra, ahem, pardon me, I mean our Buchou (2) was open enough to let me compete as our school's representative. Yes Buchou! I love you!

But I love Roxas more who brought me the great news~~~~~Oh yeah! Oh yeah! Oh yeah! I almost wanted to jump and give Roxas a bear hug. This excitement and joy was too hard to constrain!

Calm down tiger, calm down. Don't get too carried away okay? Close physical contact with Roxas was strictly prohibited remember? I shouldn't get too close to him. I couldn't afford to do something stupid I'd badly regret later. Plus, Sora you idiot, it's not "this year" and "next year". That happened couple years ago already. Damn, how come I could forget such important things!

"Man, I still can't believe it. Future me is _that_ strong. Seriously!"

"But now you are indeed your 17-year-old self."

Roxas' smile was growing brighter. The way he was looking at me…that gentle and happy smile…Geez. Damn. Arghhhhh. Oh god that's really bad for my heart y'know. I was having problem to breathe! I don't know about you, 21-year-old Sora, but I don't think this 17-year-old me has strong enough self-control. How the hell did I manage to restrain myself from jumping on Roxas all these years?

"Yeah…" I tried to scratch the back of my head, hard, to distract myself, "What if I can't regain those memories any more? I mean, how can I even forget such important things like winning the championship that I always dreamed about?"

I was just trying to distract myself by saying that. But right after it slipped out from my tongue, there was this heavy feeling suddenly struck me, which made my heart fall down slightly…

_What mattered the most was remembered the least._

I couldn't remember. But I knew. There was something…something even **more important **that I have forgotten.

"Don't push yourself too hard Sora." Roxas tried to comfort me, seeing me hitting my own head repeatedly in an attempt to 'knock' some memory back to myself. "You don't have to force yourself to remember everything right away. First thing first, let's try to get you back to your normal life. I've heard there are many cases in which people regained their memory during their daily life experience. Even though it's also true there's couple cases the amnesia remained permanent, but that's extremely rare."

"Err…well, the last part still sounds a bit scary."

"That's what the doctor said."

"Yeah, Namine did said that…"

The Roxas who was able to stating a rather cruel fact in a rather cool tone was the Roxas that I was more accustomed to. With the smile fading away from his face, I saw the 17-year-old Roxas again. He was normally quite, conserved, sometimes too cold in some people's eyes. But only I knew, his coolness was just his cover-up, a way to hide away his real emotions, especially the sad ones. Nobody ever noticed expect me. Only I could tell his sorrow and sadness that was buried under his emotionless mask. Roxas was traumatized by losing his father at a young age. Unlike me and my old man, his dad meant a lot to him. His brother, despite older than him, didn't take their father's death too well and became emotionally unstable. So he kinda forced himself to mature way earlier than he should be and to put up a stronger self to support their mother, until she met my old man and formed a new family. Secretly I sometimes felt jealous of him. My own parents divorced when Vani and me were still toddlers. Hell I don't even remember what that woman, who's supposed to be our biological mother, looks like. As for our old man, well, I'd rather not to start that part.

Anyways, where am I? Ah right…people always think I'm dense and oblivious, but what they know? I could feel the melancholy he was trying to hide. I knew his sadness. I understood how he really felt. During the years we stayed together as a family, I always tried my best to cheer him up. I didn't even care whether other people thought my sometime-too-bright idiotic grins were annoying or not, I just wanted to make him happy. But despite all my effort, that melancholic vibe around him was never gone. Not until now...

Was it my wishful thinking or was it real? Somehow I no longer saw this faint melancholic color in his cerulean eyes, like…he was completely healed from that sadness. Four years…yeah, I guess a lot could happen in four years. He must have changed during these four years. But I was just…confused.

What if I couldn't get back my memory? What if I remained like this forever?

* * *

><p>"It's getting late. We'd better take off soon. I'll go downstairs to go through the discharge formalities for you. Let's go home, Sora."<p>

"Go home…you mean _that_ home?"

Roxas was about to leave the room but paused as he turned back to me, a bit surprised by my question, "You want to go back there?"

"Of course not!" I quickly shook my head, "Well, not like that old man would allow me to stay in his house for more than 2 minutes anyway. Oh speaking of which, do you still live with them?" Alright, I had to keep reminding myself it was four years later now.

"Yeah…Mom's health situation isn't looking too good. I have to take care of her."

"Eh? Is…is she okay?"

"Nothing too serious. But still…"

My feeling towards my stepmother wasn't too bad or too good. I grew up without a mom. Even though I should say she was a good woman and she had taken good care of us like her own sons, somehow I just wasn't able to think her as my "mother". My old man married her when I was 13, and I was kicked out at 16, during those three years I was finally able to experience what a "complete" functioning family felt like, thanks to her. Plus she was Roxas' mom. I was able to meet Roxas because of her, for that I really wanted to thank her. But at the same time, it was also because of her, Roxas and I had become "brothers". Even though not blood related, we were still considered as "brothers", therefore it made everything taboo for me…

"Err, how about Ven-nii? (3) How's he doing?" Ven was Roxas' elder brother. He was at the same age as my own elder brother Vanitas, three years older than us. Despite Ven and Roxas shared the almost exact same looking, their personas were quite…different.

"He's not there anymore."

"W-wait, what?" you don't mean…!

"I mean he doesn't live with us anymore." Phew, I mentally patted my chest, Rox don't scare me like that.

"Huh? Wait, you don't mean our old man kicked him out as well do you? Even if he wanted, Aerith wouldn't allow that to happen would she?"

Roxas slightly shook his head, "No. Ven-nii left home by his own decision. He moved out one year after Dad kicked you and Vani-nii out."

W-what? So that just happened this year, damn, no, I mean at my 17.

"…Ven-nii…He couldn't forget Vani-nii, even after Vani-nii left home. Because of that, he eventually cut his tie with the family and left."

Sighing heavily, I wasn't expecting things to turn out like this. I mean, there were four sons in that house before and now Roxas was the only son left. Not like I was feeling bad for my old man, the old guy didn't deserve it. But my stepmother, on the other hand, was a different story. That must be awful for her…

But gee, I was the _most _innocent victim in this whole case! I did nothing wrong and was completely incriminated! Only if our parents had not caught Vani doing Ven on Ven's bed that night…

Tsk, seriously, even now I still didn't get what our old man was thinking. True, Vani deserved the punishment for he dared to lay his hands on his own "brother". It was morbid, sick, forbidden, unacceptable blah blah blah I know. But why was it necessary to kick _me_ out along with him? I wasn't even 18 at then! Was it my fault that I had a "disgusting face" (quote from our old man) that looked exactly the same like my psycho brother?

Okay, fine, I should admit it. I was just as psycho as my brother…in some aspect. Couldn't say I wouldn't do the same thing like Vani had done if I was allowed to stay in that house long enough.

Sighing again. I never dare to ask Roxas about his thinking on what have happened, not at that time, nor now. That was a taboo, an unspeakable shame to the whole family. Also because of that, my fear of my secret being found had grown even stronger.

I started realizing my true feelings for Roxas at the age of 16 and became fully aware of what it truly meant at 17 – I love him more than a brother. At first I was thinking that we weren't blood related at all so what's the matter? But things weren't that simple. What happened to Vani and Ven had taught me a good lessen. Even if they were not blood related, it was still socially unacceptable, it was still considered as a sin. Not even your closest family would accept this type of relationship. Incest…is a sin.

Not only that, my love was simply one-sided. Roxas could never feel the same way as I felt for him, not only because I was his brother, more importantly we were both guys. He wasn't gay like his brother, he was dating this cute girl at high school. Despite of knowing all that, each day I was still mentally battling myself for whether or not I should confess to him. No one wants to be rejected. Me either. But somehow I felt I should confess and then get rejected and then give up forever and then finally free myself from this despairing torment. The only moment that my heart could be momentarily saved from the torture of this unspeakable love was when I swung my Keyblade in battles. I trained myself hard, I worked hard, but I still wasn't able to escape from my forbidden feelings at all. That was me. That was the 17-year-old Sora's pathetic life.

Kami-sama (4) must hate me so much that he just had to turn the clock back and made me forget everything passing age 17. Did I confess to him? Did I not? Kami-sama, why the hell you just have to make me forget that most important part!

Judging from the way he was treating me right now, I was pretty sure I hadn't confessed. Otherwise he wouldn't be interacting with me so naturally, like the old good time. But really? I really hadn't said anything? Was it really possible for me to hold it back all these four years? Was I really willing to give up? Was I really willing to simply stay by his side without saying anything at all?

Fuuuuuccccck~~~~~! I wanna know the answers! I wanted to know so badly that my head started hurting again.

"Arghhhh…"

"Sora what's wrong? Does your head hurt again? I'm gonna call the doctor!" Roxas seemed to start panicking as he heard me groan in pain. But I quickly grabbed his wrist to prevent him from leaving. I didn't want him to leave, not now (not ever…)

"No no, it's nothing. It's gone now." I immediately released his wrist as I realized what I've done. "Let's go home now. Just…which home?" I quickly changed the topic in hopes to have him not think too much about my previous action.

"Your apartment. I'll drive you there."

My home, the apartment where the 21-year-old me lived alone.  
>Would I be able to find any clues to answer all my questions there?<p>

I felt I couldn't wait any longer to go home.

"Now you go to change. I'll be back soon." He smiled to me again, taking out some clean clothes from a paper bag he brought with him. After handing those clothes to me, he went to the closet in the hospital room and took out some dirty clothes which were slightly stained with blood. Oh…that must be what I was wearing when the accident last night happened.

It was fifteen minutes later, after I finished my changing, Roxas was back to the room again.

TBC

* * *

><p>(1) Senpai: senior student or people whose status is senior to you in general in Japanese.<p>

(2) Buchou: the president of a school club.

(3) XXX-nii: an expression Japenese use to refer to their elder brother. Nii is short for Niisan, "elder brother".

(4) Kami-sama: God.

**A/N**: I miss writing fanfics, I really do. Thanks to those who are still reviewing and faving my stories. I promise I'll write whenever I can.


	4. Chapter 4

**Aster **

**04**

When we were walking side by side towards the main entrance of the hospital, I realized for the first time that I was noticeably taller than Roxas now.

"…Roxas shrunk?" I murmured in confusion, then I heard him chuckle lightly.

"Nup. You have grown much taller than you were 17. You amazed everyone by how fast you kept growing even after age of 18." He explained.

Oh. That was great! I mean, me and Roxas were about the same height most of time before we turned 17. Okay, maybe he was a couple centimetres taller. I was often teased being "small" because of my height at early-teen age. Hmph. I'm not gonna tell you how jealous I was of Riku's height at that time. Oh wait…I just said that. Fine. Whatever. Height doesn't matter! …But it doesn't hurt to be tall either. Heheheheh. I couldn't help but want to grin like an idiot again. Super! Now I must be over 180 cm or something coz Roxas looked like he's about 175 cm roughly and I seem to be 8-10 cm taller than him. Sweet. That's just sweet. You ask why? Coz to me that's like the most ideal height difference, coz now I'm larger and I can protect him! Maybe Kami-sama still loves me.

I shivered at the cold wind that blew onto my face as we stepped out the hospital. It was indeed winter. It was quite chilly outside, no wonder Roxas was all wrapped up in his cozy marshmallow coat. Roxas loves snow but he hates cold. Looked like he hadn't changed in that part. I got used to the chill quickly. Unlike him, I would be able to survive the whole winter with just a sweater. Seeing him clench both of his hands into fists and put them close to his mouth in attempt to warm them up before he got a chance to put some gloves on, I almost wanted to grab both his hands right then and there. I wanted to wrap my own hands over his, to keep him warm safe unharmed in my hands…But-But I just couldn't.

Sometimes, I don't know if I hate or love my self-control power.

But thanks goodness I was soon distracted by other things. Roxas was leading the way to the parking lot where he parked his car. As the nice-looking blue vehicle came into view, I had this unease feeling start growing in my stomach. I mean, the way he was walking, the way he was acting, he truly had grown up into a mature adult. But I…I was still…Even if my body had grown larger like adult, I was still an immature teen at heart. I suddenly felt like there was this huge gap between the 21-year-old Roxas and this 17-year-old me. Everything was unknown to me. I had no idea of what this 21-year-old Roxas' world was like. I had no idea what kind of person this Roxas had become, what he liked, what he hated. I felt this me was unworthy of his company. The growing bitterness was killing me inside.

* * *

><p>I got into the car, feeling even more disheartened. Roxas remained silent as well. As he started his car, he put all his focus on driving. Up to the point that I no longer could endure the dead silence between us, I opened my dry mouth again, wanting to ask him a question that had been bugging me for a while.<p>

"Ahem, Roxas…"

"Yes?"

His eyes were still focusing on the road right in front of us. I knew it might not be the best time to ask questions but if I didn't say something or do something to distract myself, this silence would drive me crazy.

"I wanna ask about the accident. The doctor told me you were with me when it happened. So…what was it like?"

"Yes, I was with you last night. It was Lea's wedding ceremony yesterday. We went to his wedding together."

"WHAT? Lea? You mean that redhead?" Too shocked I was.

"Yeah, it's that redhead Lea. "

"He got married?" Seriously? I thought he was with that bluehead Isa….oh wait, don't tell me Isa was the "bride"! Wait wait wait, it's four years later now. So is same-sex marriage officially allowed now?

"…Larxene was the bride. You know her too."

Huh? Larxene? That bit…I mean that sadist woman? How come it was her?

"But I thought Lea was…" My voice kinda trailed off as I realized how pointless it would sound.

"…No, Isa broke up with Lea a few months ago." Now Roxas confirmed it.

We both knew our friends were gay and together, but we never openly discussed this sort of things for the reason you already know. Normally you would feel happy for your friends when they get married. But now I just felt even more depressed. Sigh. Since I don't know the details I won't make any judgement. But again, it really is true that it's much tougher for same-sex relationship to survive in this society.

"O..kay. So what happened yesterday then?" Anyways, who married who was none of my business.

"We left early from the after-ceremony party since I wasn't feeling too good. The accident happened on our way to the subway station. As we were walking towards one crossroad, a speedy car ran the red light and hit a bike –"

Keywords: We? Walking? Together?

"The hit bike flew off to the sidewalk due to the impact, and it flew off towards where we were…"He paused for a few moments. I think I saw his face turning a bit paler, he must be quite upset. "…You got hit and were knocked out after your head hit the wall…"

Oh my…

T-that surly sounds serious…Now thinking about it, a mild concussion was all I got, I didn't even break a single bone. What a lucky guy I am! Mmmm…maybe my battle reflex kicked in and helped me to avoid a head-on hit? Arhh, I couldn't remember, none of what Roxas just told me rang any bell to me. It's more like hearing a story that happened to someone else, someone strange, someone definitely not myself.

"Ahaha…Gee, I don't remember any of that." I let out couple dry laughs.

"If…" He continued after another pause, "If I had driven with my own car yesterday…none of this would have happened to you."

His voice was full of guilt and regret. It made my heart clench in pain.

"No! It's not your fault at all!" I snapped, "It's just an accident right? I would totally blame the guy who ran the red light. He's a bloody murderer!" Seriously, I wonder what happened to that biker who got hit first.

"…No Sora, it is my fau – "

"Hey, no more blame on yourself." I didn't want to hear Roxas blaming himself again so I quickly cut him off. I know him. He always takes all the responsibilities onto himself, which really makes me sad sometimes.

"…" He still avoided looking at me. I noticed his grip on the wheel tightened for his knuckles started turning white.

"Rox, don't think too much about it. I'm totally okay now. And what's more important is that you didn't get hurt! Ah, wait, no, I heard you got couple scratches too. Are you okay?"

"I'm fine. It's just some small scratches."

"Good!" I grinned happily, "Then there's nothing to worry about!"

"…"

He became silent again. Err, did I say something wrong?

"But your memory…"

"Well, the doctor said it would eventually come back to me so I'm not worried. And thanks goodness I'm the only one got hit on head but you are all safe and sound. Just imagine what if we both hit our head and both lost our memory. Then who's gonna help me to figure out what's going on and help me to get back my lost memory?"

I turned my head to flash him my trademark toothful grin in hopes to ease his upset. This time he quickly took a look at me as well and smiled.

"Yeah, I guess you're right."

Mmmm…his smile was pretty hard to read this time. Before, I was able to see through his cold mask coz we were really close to each other. But now…I don't know any more. I felt like he was holding something back, but not exactly hiding…I just got a feeling that there was something bothering him but he seemed not to want me to share the burden with him. So, he was not as open to me as before…

Maybe I did confess to him after all? But maybe he was just too kind to cut his tie with me and still treated me the same like brothers? But at the same time he would no longer open his heart to me like before?

No matter how hard I tried, I still couldn't remember that most important part.

* * *

><p>About half hour later, we arrived at this decent looking apartment building. Wow. So this was the place I was living right now. That <em>was<em> something completely different than the shanty tiny apartment the 17-year-old Sora once lived in.

Roxas dropped me off at the main entrance while he went to park his car. But both he and I forgot about one very important thing.

I was standing right in front of the entrance door, staring at the digital security keypad like a moron.

How the hell was this 17-year-old Sora supposed to know the password for getting into the 21-year-old Sora's home? !

TBC

* * *

><p><strong>AN**: It's very sad that some disrespectful people would say Sora/Roxas is gross right to SoRoku fans' face. But at the same time, that type of immature comment has prompted me to want to write about this pairing even more. My love for SoRoku will never die. Soroku fans, review please? Tell me I'm not alone.

I feel really downhearted right now. Haters never understand what kind of damage one simple rude comment could cause to others.


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